Day 2 - Saturday 3rd September
Tarts in Karts
Saturday was an early start, 9am pickup for the ride to the karting centre some 30 mins out of town. Everyone seemed in good form, the local ales hadn't knocked anyone out - southern softies my arse!! Having been debriefed and some insulted by the manager we took to the tracks, qualifying for 15 mins which ended as follows.
1 - Andy |
8 - Ben |
The race began with the procession, Andy and Ian leading everyone around, was like a scene out of driving Missy Daisy, although to be honest I think this might have been the lap Ricky and Daz clocked their fastest laps!! As the lights went green it was every man for himself, that's why I had no remorse in putting the stag in a spin on the first corner, sorry Ian just had to be done. Hard to comment on too much from here on as we were all heads down and driving like lunatics.
Upon finishing though we were amused to see Ian jump out of his kart, wrestle with his helmet, no not that one, and then throw his guts up - what a pro, driving while under the influence and still managed a creditable 4th. The highlight though was learning that a certain Dave Walker had shall we say 'had a moment' - In driving like a 17 year old with a supp'd up nova, tell me he doesn't have one - he managed to get black-flagged. Coming back into the pits and asked to wait 5 mins before rejoining he decided to throw his toys out of the pram throwing his gloves at the marshall and telling him to f@ck off - beautiful!! So with most of the team completing 22 laps and Dave doing only 8 the new nick name materialized, Dave-8 Laps- Walker, or 8 Laps to his new mates.
Sleep or Drink?
So once Andy had graciously accepted the winners trophy, bast@rd I'll get him next time, it was back to the borstel. Some of the lighter weights in the group, no names mentioned - Ian. Andy, Alan, Dave, Ben, Rich, Kieron, Ricky, Alistair and Scott retired for a sleep well 8 laps had some anger management training to do but the rest slept while Dan, Daz, Gareth and Chips took up the batton. Drinks and lunch were flying down for most of us easily as a whores draws while the stag was complaining of some illness, I'm starting to think he might have crept down in the night and had a go on facial Dedrie Barlow, nevertheless a pint of blackcurrent vodka and 6 shots was needed, the local Geordie GPs always recommend this. The football began and all I can remember hearing for the best part of 90 minutes was 'He's RUBBISH' etc etc from a certain Mr Morris relating to the undisputable talent that is Joey Cole, hence the goal scorer. having lost only Gareth seemed pleased with the result, a decent performance from the plumber, electrician and cabby etc from Swansea.
So just when people thought we were going for snooze number two suddenly a master stroke, FYEO was mentioned, I'm going to give the credit for this to Ricky, it was either him or Chips but whoever it was it was truly inspired and for that we will always remain indebted to you. So a quick trip to FYEO, I say quick trip because Chips seemed to know exactly how to get there, good knowledge - hmmm strange that!!
Anyway having tried to buy the entire stock of women and literally shut the place down, we had to make do with working our way through as many local talents as possible. They came in all shapes and sizes and most worked for me. 'I got a semi on' was just one of the comments that is still ringing in my ears - no names mentioned!! So outside to discuss who had spent all the wip - Only anger management 8 Laps - he'd gone through so many of them it turned out he was now a major shareholder in FYEO - touch!! 14 lap dances in just over an hour - an impressively tally by any pervs standards.
Night on the 'toon.
So back for another quick spruce up and some more hair work for 8 Laps. Meanwhile Dan and Gareth raided the local off license of their best cheap drinks. Everyone congregating in the room of Dan and Alan, seeing as Ian had now decided he wanted his room back - it was time to down about 8 shots each, well it had been at least half an hour since we'd had a drink!!
TGI Fridays was the first venue, food was a good call and with a waitress called Amie who declared herself a lesbian who liked anal beads, who doesn't, the night had started strongly. having scoffed a small cow each and enjoyed the entertainment of the local magician, still baffled we decided on a quick pic or two with Anal Amie as she became affectionately known, see Pic 5.
So this time no messing about with all these fancy clubs and straight to cheese, Baja Beach Club suited us all down to the ground and when you're met by a certain Miss, see Pic 6 - you might understand why. With Chesney Hawkes and Tiffany filling the room this place had everything you could ask of it, well it did once big Daz approached the dance floor and released his hidden Travolta talents, nobody can quite explain the leg shake dancing maneuver but something's are left unsaid - a leg-end!!
Ian's local GP had obviously phoned up to make sure he had another one of his special drinks, this time 12 shots in a pint glass - doctors orders who were we to question it. With more Hen parties than you could imagine Ian decided to swap his pants with a local, this is my only regret because, 1 she was supposedly fit and 2 - she gave him a glimpse of her Robbie Fowler - gutted wrong place wrong time for me!!
With the evening drawing near an end and the single guys putting on a half decent show, well quarter decent it was time to leave. Alistair and Andy seemed to find Lulu, see Pic 7 and some other 34 (my arse) year old, see Pic 8 aerobics instructors from Newcastle - does it get any better than that. So back to the hotel for all of us for more drinks. Before we headed back Ian declared he wanted to be taken on a sightseeing tour of the city in a cab driven only by a guy called 'Barry' - what a bit of luck. Barry new all the best sights and took us through the council estates of Newcastle before dropping us home - what a guy. On arriving back everyone was in Dan and Alan's room with Lulu and company discussing the merits of her fake boobs.
Having all had a grab and I have to say - gross, we decided to call it a night, see Pic 9 - some sooner than others, well I did after I'd given the 34 year old all my best lines and still failed with Alistair just laughing at me!! Rich decided to try the 'invade your personal space' tactic and that drew as much success as Dan's, I think his line of 'do you feel threatened' put him as an outside chance - so off they went with no luck - hmmmmmm!!!!!!!! I also forgot to mention the 'mini trashing' of the room although in the morning it was hard to tell the difference, but pillows and lamp shades had been thrown out the window, not so much rock 'n' roll more 'Chessney Hawkes'!!
Ricky gets to grips with his pole.
8 Laps - Rubbish.
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